Not dead

Uggghhh this past week was totally CRAY CRAY for me. Stupidly busy and stressful. I can't fully divulge why just yet so I'll keep y'all in suspense for a little while longer. I can tell you that the van didn't start on Sunday (which kinda ended up being a sort of good thing) and it took me the better part of 3 days and a LARGE sum of money to get the problem fixed, not to mention it was -40 all week and I had two beasts in tow, but it's fixed now and it better stay fixed for a long fucking time because I'm not made of batteries and block heaters and engine reprogrammings!

So after the van drama the hair show craziness started. Praise the baby zuzel that I had a vehicle and I didn't have to walk or take a cab to all the places that I needed to go for it. Friday was model prep day and it took the better part of 6 hours to color correct my 6 inch roots then do a crazy blue green color. I had no idea what Amy was going to do to my hair before coming in but I am pretty open to anything. When I got there she sheepishly pulled out an extension with the colorway she was going for and then asked if it was cool if she did it. Of course I said "sure!"...hair is hair, it grows and can always be changed. I had pink hair for my wedding, I've had a mohawk, a full head of skinny braids, a grey blonde bob...all kinds of crazy things that just don't phase me so blue green hair is NBD and I was just stoked to have the trailer park hair be gone!

The re-blonding took FOR-EV-ER but I knew it would having done this many times before. I got excited when she brought out the blues and greens. It looked like we were doing Easter eggs! She ended up mixing up another brighter green for the do.

Extensions for the other models in my segment. Our segment was "ocean" themed, hence the mermaid hairs!

The finished product. It was late so no natural light pictures and I didn't have another pair of hands to take pictures of the underside.

I love the hair and I totally understood Amy's vision for the do...soft seafoamy colors and admittedly she did the color specifically for my up do so the brighter bits are on the underside.

The show was on Saturday....a looooong day it was. I had to be at model prep for 10:30am then I had to hang around all day for the run through, make and wardrobe until 8:30pm when the show started. Check out my snazzy model pass!

I knew to bring something to keep me entertained for the 10+ hours of sitting around. One can only do stuff on their phone for so long. I brought my shoe coloring book that Indiana gave me and I colored shoes for hours in between getting up and walking around because my butt was falling asleep.

So for having copious amounts of free time I totally dropped the ball on taking pictures and also getting someone to take a picture of my own hair so these are the crappy cell phone pics of my hairs and make up that I took in various bathrooms...I know, I suck!

This is the crazy wrap around braid and if you look close you can see that all my hair is crimped to make it fuller and give it texture.

This is my fishy-eye inspired make up. I asked the super gay and awesome stylist if he wanted me to take off my earrings. He said no and that he didn't hate the look with my costume...awesome!

A cool lady I met, she was super stoked on her pimpin' safety glasses with the pink tape on them. She was in the "bird" section and that dressed looked amazing on her. The section themes were; reptilia, ocean, birds, big cats, men, fur and lingerie.

The one and only picture that someone else took of me. My outfit was "interesting" to say the least. Pinky's hair actually looked very similar to my own wedding hair.

Other models...neons were birds, the goth looking girl was in the "reptilia" section, there was a "mens" section (they look awesome!)

This picture was pretty funny from the front since they were all looking towards the back. Check out the amazing shave job on that dude's head. Everyone in the "men" section had crazy good shaved designs in their hair.

There was also a "fur and lingerie" section. Girls in undwears and vintage fur coats and the dudes in that section wore some kind of fur with bedazzled underwears...so freaking random and hilarious! This guy was buff and such a good sport about posing with everyone.

This is Josh, my hair stylist Amy's brother. He was in the same section as me. They did finger waves and soft curls on him to give him the flowy Poseidon-esque hairs. Of course I was smitten with his beard which they straightened then curled upwards. He was also in some very very tight shiny gold pants.

All in all I had a super fun time helping Hair F/X raise money for the Never Alone foundation, a charity that supports people with cancer...check em out HERE!

I also found another manatee while I was out for a walk yesterday. That makes 3! I cannot wait for it to start getting warmer so I can discover new graf and the artist can come back out and make new things for me to discover.

Feed your llama here!

Some of my baddest bitches brought some juicilicious drama to my attenshunz this morning. I know I said I wasn't going to mention the "program whose name shant be mentioned" again but this dramz was just too good to pass up sharing with you ESPECIALLY since it quite closely paralleled my own experience with the co-founder of "the program whose name shant be mentioned". The co-founder was being harsh with the blogger, the very same thing she accused me of being on the forums at the beginning of the January which was part of my decision to abandon "the program whose name shant be mentioned"...THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS!

So apparently the co-founder snarked off at blogger and then there was an ensuing internet squabble (really...who doesn't love a good internet squabble?). I was preoccupied yesterday so I missed the goings down IRL but the blogger who was sassed by the co-founder posted it all on her blog for the whole interwebz to see and I am TOTALLY glad she did. Said co-founder blamed her snarkiness on being with fetus...*insert eye roll*

Her is the link to her blog, please go read it, read the comments and decide for yourself.

 LLAMA FOOD!

I won't tell you to check out the Facebook page for the "program whose name shant be mentioned" because they really don't need anymore hits or attention but there is a half arsed apology.

I realize this is all terribly boring for most of you but it was quite the buzz this a.m among some of my peeps. I will be back to my regularly scheduled blabbing on irresponsibly about things tomorrow possibly even with charts and diagrams if you are lucky!

p.s....it's been minus a billion here (-44) and I might have frozen my ladyballs off.

An epiphany, a dress and 3 tacos

I had an epiphany y'all! I have been having some weird GI issues since starting the paleo thing...some bloating, weird gurgling in my mid-back on the left side just under my ribs and ummmm tmi... strange poos (hey, we're all friends...what's a little BMs between friends, everyone poops!) Anyways! While researching some other unrelated internal funkiness that T.M has probably correctly diagnosed I stumbled upon some IBS web pages and then had a total A-HA moment! It appears that my body does not like to digest lettuce and other insoluble fiber. Seriously...a total light bulb moment. I eat 2 MASSIVE salads per day. I make them in my biggest mixing bowl that I used to make double batches of cookies in. It's a big freaking bowl. And since I'm lazy my salads are usually just lettuce and celery and maybe a bit of red or orange pepper. I was eating a head of lettuce a day to myself. That is a lot of lettuce yo! So I finally connected the dots after reading the IBS page. I knew broccoli made me farty which was fine because I love broccoli but the other GI pains were really starting to be, well...a pain!

I read and read about soluble and insoluble fiber (I'm soooooper exciting right?) and now I have embarked on a little insoluble elimination with an increase in my soluble fiber in addition to eating more cooked veggies. I usually eat raw veggies because I'm laaaaazy and cooking is just one more step in between me and the food when I am hungry. So far already today I have noticed a huge difference in the bloating and distention of abdomen (lessened of course!) which is great news since it means I'm right! But I love salads...so I will try to reintroduce them at a later date in probably smaller quantities than I eat now after I have pinned which insoluble fibers make me feel the crappiest PUN INTENDED!

Ok enough about poo and fiber and more about other things. K.P and I and her Mama went dress shopping! K.P is getting married at the end of the this year which of course requires a fancy dress. We headed to the froufrou dress store which was LET ME TELL YOU an experience. I shall preface this with the information that I did NOT wear a wedding dress when I got married. I wore a skirt I already owned, a plain white button up shirt (which I fit into again now!) and I was barefoot. Super minimal and exactly what I wanted so this dress thing is a totally foreign concept to me.

We went to the bridal shop and little did we know that they are the only wedding dress store open today because the Wonderful Wedding Show is this weekend (like a Bridezilla wedding trade show) this meant that the store was fucking packed! K.P wanted a "tea length" dress...you know...below the knee but showing some saucy ankle. When we finally got back to the changing room area her mom and I were shocked. There were about 4 brides trying on dresses (ugly dresses!). One chick was totally monopolizing the wall of mirrors and her bridesmaids (in more ugly dresses) were super cunty and rude. It was hard to keep my laughter and snide comments to myself...so I made them to K.P's mom who actually agreed with me on everything and were snickering like a bunch of mean girls. I also got to inform her mom of what "chicken cutlets" are and she remarked that some chick's dress "looked like a table cloth" BAHAHAHA her mom is pretty dang cool.

K.P tried on 6 dresses and one was a total surprise to all of us. It looked terrible on the hanger and in the catalouge but looked AMAZING on her. It was a mega shock to all of us but it was definitely "the one" pretty and flattering and juuuuuuust right. We got out of their in time and I made sure to tell the lady who helped us that I would blow my fucking brains out if I worked there. I think she thought I was worst "matron" of honor ever (fyi...I know it's maid of honor but K.P's mom said something about "matronly" and that was the running joke for the rest of the morning). When you find "the dress" at this store the tradition is to ring a hand bell really loudly. K.P didn't want to do it but we insisted and of course I snapped a picture of her looking sheepish while doing it...which OF COURSE I can't show you here...NO SPOILERS!

After we made it out of there with our limbs intact and having had our entertainment for the day we were ready for some food. I don't eat out, like at all unlike the average butter-flavoured Crisco eating American but I did want to check out a cool new taco joint that had great reviews. So off to the taco joint we went. I may have made an inappropriate taco joke or 2...you know...because I'm classy like that.

The place is called "Modern Taco Company"...I love the name! Check em out here TACO! I had checked out the menu prior so I had an idea of what I could and didn't want to eat. Yup, I am one of *those* people. You can order tacos in a lettuce leaf instead of a taco but they were confusingly out of lettuce. You can also order a "naked taco" which comes on a plate with a pile of rice...obviously a no go. The chick working there then tried to tell me that the *CORN* tortillas are hand made in store and gluten-free. Corn is still a grain chickiepoo! No matter. I said make em up like normal and I will deconstruct them on my own. They did however have Perrier in little bottles...score!

I perused the sauces while our order was being made. I love the atmosphere, the Mexican music, the fact that they didn't seemed phased by my "hold everything" request.

 Frank's and the Tobasco sauce were the only clean ones....everything else had corn something or other creepies in it

The 3 house made sauce...Salsa Verde, Tomato Chipotle and Mango Scotch Bonnet

Our order indicator

Oh yeah!

The food! These are K.P's tacos...I snagged a tiny taste of the avocado crema on the middle taco...DELISH!

My tacos...she called my order "for the one with allergies". I never said that but hey, they kindly left the sauces off of mine just in case. Thoughtful.

left to right: jerk chicken (pulled jerk chicken, caramelized pineapple and cilatro), smoked chorizo (crumbled chorizo, caramelized onions and cilantro) and carne asada Argentina (marinated grilled steak and caramelized onions). I deconstructed each taco so as not to eat the corn tortilla. The smoked chorizo was my fav! And I didn't even realize until now that I didn't order any guac!

K.P got some tacos to go for her finace so I packed up some sauces for him. They looked so cute in their little containers all stop light colors. FYI...the mango scotch bonnet was the best of the 3 and FRIGGIN' HATE mango so I skeptical but it was YUMMO! I will be headed here again with husbie.

And I finally found a coconut water I like (recall husbie and I trying 2 different waters over a month ago). When I was mega ill last week I sent husbie out in a snow storm to get me coconut water. This was the only coconut water that the chain grocery store we don't ever shop at had. It actually tastes like coconut not weird sweat and something else. This one is a winner if you can find it. It comes in pulp and pulp-free varieties.

LOOK AT THE MONKEY!

Final thought: I am fucking LOVING Minaj on Idol! She is dead pan funny and I want to be BFFs with her so we can share wigs, she can recommend me her boobie dr and we can travel around with her thuggin' hottie man-tourage! Can someone make this happen please?

Flashback Friday

My beloved and I, most likely before we were married. He had pink eye and was sad about it but my hair looks fantastic!

Primal me this...

Not much doing here. I am still recouping from the flu/sickness so I haven't been working out or going to yoga. The evil meanie in my head is saying lots of bad and negative things and trying to convince me that I have undone months of hard work in just a few days. I try not to listen to that bastard because he's wrong. A.C & T.M are awesome supportive friends who reassure me that I have not turned into a swill consuming pile of jelly and that I need to take the time to rest and not overdo it. The gym/pool/yoga will be there when I am 100% well and rushing back into something when I am not well isn't going to do me any good. Do y'all struggle with this? Do you have an evil demon in your head who tries to tell you lies and may even succeed in convincing you of them? I think we all do to an extent, women especially. I have been eating as clean as clean can be...strict paleo, no shit...lots of green veggies and I have actually been eating more fruit which I am normally against since I think that it only perpetuates the sugar dragon but I had an orange the other day (a real one, not a mandarin) and let me tell you...IT WAS OUT OF THIS WORLD GOOD (I think I need to get out more)

We got 6 dozen farm eggs from a contact of Indiana's...this picture sucks balls but the eggs are a light brown almost pinkish color. They are so tiny and lovely. My crappy city just recently basically squashed the allowing of people to have hens inside the city which would have meant TONS of lovely eggs for me. I swear we are one of the most backwards cities.

I took this picture for my Mama. We went to a meat store that is also a small grocery store and they sell this cake. This cake is somewhat of a local tradition. I personally hate it (even before I stopped eating cake). It has this gross shortbread layer bottom on the cake. I hate shortbread! It goes all pasty in your mouth *gag* but my mom loves it and I don't know if you can get the cake outside of the city.

This is more my deliciousness....MEATS! Now granted this meat isn't uber clean meat but they have tons and tons of fresh cuts and they always have weird things...this is the store where I buy my chicken feet and beef heart since most places it's hit or miss whether they have it or not. I can buy a whole pig's head here for $6! I really want to make head cheese or the fancier name "terrine" but my husband has forbid a whole pig's head from being bought. He is such an unadventerous shit on a blanket. They also have pork buttons which totally brings me back to my childhood. My mom made sweet and sour pork buttons and I remember eating the meat and spitting the little chunk of bone into a bowl. I have no idea what part of the pig pork buttons are but the name is just sooooo cute! I wonder if I could recreate her recipe paleo style since I am sure her recipe had an assload of sugar and probably corn syrup (blech!)

We went to the hippe food store and I saw these. I got all excited at the word "primal" until I saw the horrible words underneath "meatless vegan jerky soy" BARF BARF BARF! Soy is deeeeeskusting and this stuff is made with hydrolyzed soy protein which is really just an industrial waste product of soybean oil manufacturing....read HERE and HERE for 2 great articles on the disgustingness that is soy...all those carb and soy guzzling vegetarians who thinks they are so health....ick! Primal you are NOT creepy soy food-like product!

These strange looking plant materials were at the chain grocery store, the same one with the pickled ducks eggs and weird produce. I picked it up, it was heavy....there was no signage and I wondered aloud what is was. I didn't think it was bamboo but that was the only thing my brain could recognize it as. Turns out, according to the nice Philipino woman beside it is sugar cane...totally in the raw, legit sugar cane. I have absolutely no idea how one would use it or cook with it aside from whacking someone up side the head with it...it was really heavy.

 
I bought this magnesium supplement on the advice of a forum. I have mentioned before that most people are magnesium deficient but the reason I bought it was apparently it can act as as sleep aid. Not like a knock you out farmer's cuticles like Ambien or some shit but rather it naturally makes you drowsy. I have some troubles sleeping and staying asleep. My whole life ever since I was little I would wake up every hour....not for very long but still...I don't think I am getting the kind of sleep I should be having. I only sleep like the dead when I swim hard for an hour and a half before bed...not really a practical sleep aid. So I bought it and tested it out last night and WOW! I had an amazing sleep. Husbie said I didn't even move when he came to bed (he says up playing video games). I even woke up in the middle of the night to deal with a beast and I was worried I was going to have trouble falling back asleep but that was unfounded. No one is paying me to say this but this seems to work for me. I bought the unflavoured stuff since the flavoured ones had stevia and other shit in it that I avoid like the plague. Dosage is 1-2 tsp in hot water then topped up with cold water. I did 1 tsp. It taste like ass...like medicine-y ass...almost a cocaine after taste taste...like crushed up asprin but I just chugged back the glass about 30 minutes before I took myself to bed (at 8:30pm since I am a recovering sickie and I'm old). I woke up feeling great. If you have sleep issues like lots of people I know do have....this might be worth a shot.

My booch NEEDS to be bottled before it turns to vinegar but I am stalling on it.. Mom has already bottled Agnes' brew and has started her second ferment...I am falling behind!

Test Kitchen

UGGGHHH...I caught the death flu that is going around. DEAAAAAATH! I was totally out of commission all day yesterday. The body aches were so terrible I was just sat in bed rocking back and forth weeping like a big wuss. I feel only slightly better today, definitely not as achey but definitely still sick.

There was a crazy blizzard and we went grocery shopping the day before so it was a perfect day to hunker down and and make food! (I did this before getting ill thank god!) First up...breakfast discs. Husbie accidentally bought this pork beef mix

I totally dice onions in the FP...either way I still end up tearing into a dishtowel

The finished product...I ate like 4 of these before I packaged them up for the freezer. They were super yummo!

Next up...broccoli slaw! I hate cabbage and we always have a lot of broccoli...ummmm stumps around so I shred them up


Next up...broccoli slaw! I hate cabbage and we always have a lot of broccoli...ummmm stumps around so I shred them up made husbie shred them up. The food processor does a lot of the hard work in the kitchen...I seriously love it and if you are debating on getting one...GET ONE!

Just use a veggie peeler or a paring knife to take off the tough outer layer (notice bone broth in the background)

4 cups of shredded broccoli stems in just a few seconds...thank you technology

Then I made up a quick chicken noodle-less soup. I snagged 4 cups of my chicken bone broth and took a blurry picture..oops!

I chopped up some carrots, celery and leftover heritage chicken (heritage chickens or animals for that matter are animals that are from a pure bred lineage. Grocery store birds are hybrid birds. I promise you if you can get your mitts on heritage animals that they will taste a thousand times better...promise!) This was a quick easy lunch for husbie and I.

Next up...Health-Bent's paleo double chocolate chip cookies I followed their instructions to make your own almond butter and not use store stuff so the FP was called into service again. FYI...if you do make your own for the recipe...1 cup of whole almond only gives you 1/2 cup of butter, this information would have been highly helpful at the beginning of the recipe. Guess who had to run the FP twice? This gal.

These are the almonds after about 30 seconds in the FP

This after about 1 minute 30 seconds in the FP (note making your own butter takes about 10 minutes)

This is after about 5 minutes and after adding a teaspoon of coconut oil. Honestly, I have no had super great success making paleo cookies. I can make amazing conventional ones but I am less successful with paleo-ified stuff.

The recipe called for the darkest chocolate you can find...I had Enjoy Life mini chips and chunks so that's what I used. These things are AH-MAZING! So good

This is the cacao powder that I use. It's pricier than regular store bought but it totally raw and creepy free. I buy it at Bulk Barn, you can also order it online.

The finished cookies! They held together ok, they have more of a shortbread texture than a traditional cookie texture but paleo baking is never going to replicate the real toxic thing exactly so keep that in mind y'all. Also, don't eat the whole batch. 2 cups of nuts is a lot..like more than you should eat in a whole week. If you know you won't be able to stop yourself, don't make them. I honestly prefer raw ballz to these cookies.

The cookies in better lighting

DRAAAANKS! My first drink in 3 months! I mixed vodka with Perrier pink grapefruit and that square glass is husbie straight Drambuie *barfola*

Husbie ordered this cool framed collectors edition stamp print thingie.  His nickname used to be monkey or mnky and the year of the monkey was our first full year together. K.P also found the stamp on the left on envelope at work and gave it husbie...so this is kinda significant for us personally.

Here is the actual stamp that K.P found. I used it for the cover of the last scrapbook of ours that I made (yeah, I scrapbook but mine are awesome and badass because I hoard good stuff for them instead of just buying stupid crap from Michael's). He's holding a tiny fortune cookie in his hand!

Full framed glory. I love it and it makes our hallway look so grown up.